Here’s the problem with fighting the relentless feeling that you are not good enough.
You never will be.
By most standards in our world today, for a person to be deemed successful rarely compliments a balanced lifestyle. You’re always “grinding” as the kids say, for something more tangible. Something you can show others, something that proves your worth.
The right body
The cool car
The cutting edge career
The perfect photos on Facebook (you know that IS a thing)
The idealistic College experience while you pretend you aren’t drowning in debt
The biggest and best vacations
And most importantly? Be sure to make it look easy.
You know, success.
Let me sum up my 2016 in a nutshell for you.
- My apartment was robbed. At least $4,000 worth of my property stolen.
- I ended up with a mysterious $2,000 water bill (long story).
- I missed multiple career opportunities.
- I took tests I didn’t prepare for and whined when I failed.
- I had a tumor in my spine, and, well, it wasn’t good.
- I did not, at times, listen to the people in my life that offered guidance.
But… Do you know what I did do?
- I moved out of that apartment.
- I paid that water bill.
- I’m making new goals to pursue a desirable career.
- I’m actually studying for those tests, and I intend on passing them.
- I had that tumor taken out, and I’m okay now.
- I’ve owned my stubbornness, and I keep chipping away at its source.
I have a below average body. My car is just…really black. The career thing hasn’t exactly taken off, and I can’t afford a vacation. I did have a great time in college, but I also had people helping me think through it and finish without debt. Yet, do you know what I truly believe? I believe when people think of Anna Marie Kuckelman they do not think failure. In fact, I believe they see a relatively “successful” individual by most definitions.
Today I’ve been drowning in thoughts and feelings that are absolutely unrelenting. Today I’ve been thinking about how many things I should have done when I had the chance. Today I’ve been flat out mad at myself. Today the voices in my head have just swallow me whole and I can’t help but wonder why I am not more than I am.
And I thought about that…
For a long time…
I felt sorry for myself…
Then I threw an emotional fit …
Then I became really angry…
And then something occurred to me.
Do I feel like a failure because I am not by worldly definitions a success?
Do I feel like a failure because I have nothing to show for who I am?
Here’s the truth. The most important thing to me is to be a good person. That’s not some hokey quote from tumbler it is the absolute truth. I want to be healthy enough to change the way others see themselves by being a reflection of what outreach and community and connection represents. Every single individual has a purpose. Every single person has a gift. I am certainly not an example of perfection in these regards but I am clear that they are values I aspire to.
And you know what…it makes me vulnerable.
I’m an easy person to judge.
Precisely because I vocalize these values as things I cherish and pursue.
But who is the harshest of judges? It isn’t you. It’s me. And today, at the end of it all I’ve landed on a foundation I believe is healthy.
It is okay for me to desire a career that compliments my strengths, my gifts, and my passions without equating it to my worth. Who I am is not measureable. Not by a test, and certainly not by my income. After graduation I was in such a hurry to get out there and be “significant”, but I now know that I’ve needed this time. I’ve needed it largely for the aforementioned reason; so that I am not defined by it once “it” is achieved. I believe everything happens in a timing that works together for the good of the circumstances relevant to the individual(s) involved. Instead of being mad about where I am not, I am grateful for where “not being there” is leading me. Instead of fighting to be the person I want to be I’m searching for a career that will compliment who I already know myself to be. Loving, patient, intelligent, persistent, a visionary, and certainly, a success.